


I Can't Save Myself

by Kenna5



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 18:45:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5175431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenna5/pseuds/Kenna5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been years since Harry has felt whole. That's what death does to you, and Harry has a first hand experience of that. He does't want to be saved, but when the boy with sparkling blue eyes takes him home for the night, he might be wrong, and he may not be the only one who need's saving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic ever! I know it's not great but I'm working on it!! And there is a lot more to come.

It had been weeks since Harry hadn’t found himself sitting here at this bar, intoxicated in more ways then one, waiting for someone to sit next to him and eventually take him home for the night. 

His life had gone for everything to nothing in the matter of one day. 

Years ago he had had it all planned out, he would go to uni, meet a nice girl, take her home and never look back. But when the unthinkable happened everything changed.

His best friend Sam, had a heart of gold. He was the caring one, the responsible one, the one who was always there no matter what. So when Harry had just a little bit to much to drink, even though it was three in the morning, he called the one person he knew would answer the phone. Sam said he would be there in twenty, but as time passed so did those twenty minutes, then thirty and forty. A feeling of panic had began to emerge in his stomach. Sam was never late, at least not this late. 

Being late wasn’t responsible, and that wasn’t him. He didn’t receive a call or even a text. He knew something had happened. But with no ride, no money and a now dead phone, it looked like he was walking.

It wasn’t until he got home and settled into bed that he got the news.

There had been an accident. A red 2013, Vauxhall Astra had been hit head on by a drunk driver, instantly killing everyone involved. Quick and painless, that’s what they said, but he knew it was a lie. Being crushed by two tons of metal going sixty-five miles per hour wasn’t a painless death. Everyone knew that.

The car was totaled and with it went Sam, my best friend and brother, the one that had been there since I could remember.

He never knew there was a feeling worse then this loss, but as it turns out, there was. The feeling of knowing it was his fault. He wasn’t stupid enough to say that the accident had been his fault, because even he couldn’t have stopped the oncoming car. But it was his fault that he was even on the road. He was the one who said he would be fine to drive, when he knew he wouldn’t be. He was the one who had woken Sam and put him behind the wheel that night. 

He was told over and over that it didn’t matter if he had called him out that night or not. It wasn’t his fault, he had no idea that a woman in the same state as his own would have been stupid enough to get behind the wheel, instead of calling for a ride she desperately needed. But that didn’t change the fact that it could have all been avoided.

Earlier that night Sam had called, asking if he wanted to come over. He had beer and there was sports to be watched. But he had turned it down for another late night at a bar he never seemed to get enough of. One decision brought him a night of the fun that they always had, letting Sam reach the next day, and the other brought on a casualty worse then he had ever thought possible.

They had plans. They were going to do it together. They would go to uni, The University of Manchester, because nothing less would do, they would meet a nice girl, and the rest was history. A history that they had planned together. Brothers to the end. An end that would come when they were both old and gray, surrounded by grandkids and loved ones.

But as it turns out that plan wasn’t going to happen. They were set to leave for Uni in six weeks. They had six weeks left to be young as reckless. But that adventure was cut short, two weeks to be exact. September 7th 2012, that was the day a drunk driver took the life of his best friend. That was the day all his plans went out the window.

In the weeks following the accident, everyone had been understanding. They had accepted the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it, or that he didn’t want to come out of his room. His attendance at The University of Manchester had been delayed, his whole life had been put on hold.

But after a few months’ people had grew restless. His mum had expected him to move on, she told him he was being unreasonable when he told her he wasn’t going to Uni, no matter how long she tried to delay his attendance. Because he wasn’t going to do it alone, that wasn’t the plan.

It had been exactly four months after the accident that his mum decided it was time they finally had a talk.

“Harry, you don’t think I understand the pain that you go through everyday, but I do.” She paused to take a moment. “Every time I look at you I can see it. And that puts me through pain. Because no matter how old you get, you will always be my baby. And I just can’t bare to see you like this anymore. So tomorrow, we're calling school to let them know you will be in attendance at the start of second semester. It’s time to move on Harry, it’s been four months and you barley leave your room. You can’t live like this anymore.”

At this he wanted to get angry, he wanted to yell at the top of his lungs and tell her that moving on wasn’t an option, not for him. But he didn’t, he kept himself together, never looking away from the small chip in the wall that he had been staring at since the beginning of this conversation.

“You don’t.” was all he responded

“I don’t what? What are you talking about?” She breathed, reaching out to place a hand on top of the two he held clutched out in front of him. But when contact was made, he immediately retracted, placing a scared expression on her face. He paused before he answered.

“You don’t understand the pain I go through everyday.” He said pushing off the table to stand, voice raising with every syllable. “I wake up everyday, and for the shortest second possible, everything is ok. Sam is here and were leaving for Uni in two weeks and everything is ok. Then I open my eyes and the realization of the truth hits me. Suffocating me. I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I feel like every part of me is being torn apart by some woman who thinks its ok to get behind the wheel while drunk, and kill my best friend!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air, feeling the tears burning streaks down his once dry cheeks.

“But I’m not allowed to grieve anymore,” he said voice shaking, still raised to a yell, “So I lay there, for what feels like a lifetime, I lay there waiting for the pain to go away. But it doesn’t. No matter how long I lay there, no matter how much I plead with god to turn back time and make me say yes that night. It doesn’t happen. It will never happen. Because he’s gone and there is not a single thing I can do about it.” He paused catching his breath, wiping the tears from his raw cheeks that don’t seem to have been dry since that night.

“We wont go to Uni together, we wont be friend’s forever, I never get to see him again. And that pain, that is something you will never understand. So don’t sit here and tell me that you do, and then tell me that I’m going to go to the place we were supposed to go together. Because I wont. And I'm not moving on, because that's not an option for me.” He said tears falling at such a rapid pace he couldn’t wipe them away fast enough.

“I pray to god that you never have to go through the pain of losing the one person you know you can’t live without, because it’s unbearable. Knowing you never get to talk to them, or see then again, is the worst pain you could ever go through. And for some god forsaken reason, someone thought I could handle it. Someone thought I was strong enough to get past this. But they were wrong. Because every second of everyday, that night is on replay in my mind. It’s my own personal hell that I can’t escape. So if I want to sit in my room and morn the death of my best friend, that is what I am going to do. And when I’m ready, then, I will move on. But that is for me to decide and no one else.” He finished, giving his mother one last look. Her eyes were wet and a small noise escaped her lips as she went to wipe them. And with that he turned and left. Leaving the house he had called home for most of his life, the house that was now just an empty shell of what is used to be. The house he knew he could no longer call home.

After that, his mother got her wish. Harry was gone. He returned later that evening, going to his room and packing only the things he knew he needed. And walked out, leaving his mother a blubbering mess at the front door. That was the day that Harry had thrown every dream and plan he had ever had out the window.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry had always enjoyed growing up in a small town away from the rush of the big city, but had jumped at any and every opportunity to make the trip there. Him and Sam used to go all the time, and even had good friends there. So the night that Harry left, he knew exactly where he would go. 

By the time that he made the almost four-hour drive, it was already two in the morning. He hadn’t called, or made any plans besides showing up and hoping he would answer the door.

So without hesitating he began pounding on the door of the small apartment that he knew lived behind it. He couldn’t hear anything at first but after knocking a second time, he heard commotion, and the door was being pulled open by a very sleepy Caden, clad only in the small pair of boxers he had obviously been sleeping in. He was rubbing his eyes as he opened the door, not yet making eye contact. But when he looked up, his sleep filled features lit up in shock.

The last time Caden had seen or heard from Harry was at the funeral. So he wasn’t surprised the last place he had expected to see him, was on his doorstep at two in the morning just over four months later.

Harry himself wished that he could be shocked that he was standing here in this exact moment. But he wasn’t. He had known that at some point down the road, someone would ask him how he felt, and he would lose it. In this case his mother had told him how he felt rather than asking, but it had the same effect. It sent him running to the one place he knew he could still feel Sam.

“Harry? What are you doing here?” He questioned still standing there, not quite sure what would bring Harry to his doorstep at this time of the day.

“I didn’t know where else to go.” He said rubbing the back of his neck while looking at the ground. “This is the only place I can still feel him.”

“Oh Harry.” He said stepping forward to pull him into an embrace.

Harry unknowingly, had been shaking, but he held him until he stopped, then finally stepping away, draged him in through the door.

 

*****

 

The night had finally ended after hours of talking and a few glasses of whisky later. Caden had listened to everything he had to say, and stayed silent even when he'd finished. Letting Harry breathe and letting it all sink in. He had left his home, his mother and his sister, without so much as an explanation as to where he was going. They would never know he was here, because they never knew about Caden.

He knew his mother was going insane with worry, waiting for the moment harry would walk back in through the front door. Little did she know, that moment was never going to come. When he walked out, he promised himself he wasn’t going to turn back and run crying to her. It’s what he had been doing since the accident and it clearly wasn’t working.

Harry knew what showing up on Caden’s doorstep meant. But he didn’t want to think about that, not yet. So instead he lay there on the tiny sofa, of Caden's tiny apartment, thinking about all the days that would never be more than a memory.

The last time he looked at the clock, it had read seven a.m., and Harry was just now going to sleep. Something he would soon be used to, sleeping while the rest of the world was awake that is.

But his sleep was restless, waking many times before he finally said the hell with it and went to find Caden, who he had assumed was still in bed, as it was only noon.

Cracking open the bedroom door, he could see the blonde boy, still asleep. His features giving way to their childish look, holding no resemblance of the life they had lived. Harry knew Caden had a rough life. A few years ago he had let it slip that his whole family had been killed in a freak car accident, and that he should have been with them. But just like always, he had gotten out of going with them. Leaving him the only living member of his family. After that he was sent to live with his next of kin, an aunt he hadn't seen in years, and didn't care to see now. He was supposed to make the trip so some unknown city somewhere back in Ireland, but he never made it.

He had been waiting for the train when he was approached by a young woman. He knew what she was just by looking at her, and he didn’t want any part of that. He wanted to get on the train, leaving the girl behind. But he didn’t. At that time, he hadn’t known why, but after a few months he'd figured it out. He had been given the opportunity to leave behind the happy life that had been stolen from him. The chance to start fresh and become whoever he wanted to be. So he did. He locked the pain away somewhere deep inside and forgot about it. He left his mum, his dad and his brother behind, and without realizing, he left himself behind too.     

He was no longer Niall James Horan, son to Maura and Bobby Horan, and brother to Greg Horan. When he chose not to get on that train, that is what he chose to leave behind. He was now Caden Jordan, son and brother to no one. He was on his own.

When he hadn’t gotten off the train, to his waiting aunt, she had looked for him. Went to his home and searched every where she could. But he was simply gone. There was no more Niall Horan. And she wouldn’t find him, no matter how hard she looked, because just like so many orphaned children, he had fallen through the cracks to the one place he thought he could feel whole again. But oh how wrong he was.

He soon found out that the life he had chosen for himself was lonely and degrading. But he got through it. He knew that what he was doing now, would always be better then living with an aunt he hated, and having to always pretend like he was ok, when he wasn’t.

He had been working for a week straight, barley even taking time to sleep when he found himself sitting at some rundown bar on the bad side of London. He hadn’t slept in the past twenty-four hours and had just finished with a rather rough client. But over time he had learned that the easiest way to rid the pain was whiskey. So there he sat, with a single glass in front of him, waiting for the buzz to take away the pain.

He hadn’t known how long he'd been sitting there, but was soon being nudged by a curly haired boy that he had never seen before. But assuming his reputation in these parts, he knew why he was there.

“Sorry man, I’m off the clock.” He said looking away, and picking up his almost empty glass.

The boy didn’t immediately respond to him, instead he turned to the bartender. “Get him another glass of whatever it is he’s drinking will ya?” he nodded and wandered off. Then the boy finally looked back to him.

“I don’t know what it is exactly that you do, but I don’t want any of it. I just came over here to make sure you didn’t slam your face into your glass. You were falling asleep and that would have been pretty painful.” He chuckled, sitting down in the seat next to him. “looks like you could also use some sleep.” He stated, looking away.

“I could use a lot of things, and right now, sleep isn’t exactly at the top of that list.” Caden responded, downing the rest of what was in his glass. He was starting to feel the buzz, which meant the pain would end shortly. 

“Well if there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.” Harry sighed, letting out a little laugh to match the smile that had emerged on his lips.

“Unless you have two hundred pounds to spare, I’m afraid you can’t help me.” Caden said, turning to face the boy who was still standing there, looking at him like he was contemplating his next life decision.

“Would two hundred pounds mean sleeping would go straight to the top of that list?” the boy questioned.

At first it was almost like he hadn’t heard him. Was this stranger, who’s name he didn’t even know, offering him two hundred pounds, free of charge, to go home and sleep? “I’m sorry, are you offering me two hundred pounds to go home and sleep? Like actually sleep?”

For a moment the boy was silent. “Look, we’ve all been there, and I wish that when I had been there, I had someone to help me. So again I ask, would two hundred pounds, mean that sleeping would go straight to the top of that list?”

It took him a moment. This boy he had only just met, was offering him something he would work at least four more hours to get, and that was only if people decided to be generous. “Well, theoretically, yes. That is if you were actually offering me two hundred pounds, when I don’t even know your name.”

“Well for starters, I’m Harry, and that guy over there,” he said pointing to the boy sitting at the end of the bar, talking to the bartender. “that’s my friend Sam. We were stopping by on our way through for a drink, and I saw you, so I came over to see what I could do. You said you needed two hundred pounds, so here I am offering you two hundred pounds to go home, and get the sleep you so obviously need.” At that, he had reached into his pocket to grab his wallet, opening it to pull out two one hundred pound notes, and set them on the bar in front of him.

“I don’t know if I can accept that, in my line of work money doesn’t just come free, they always want something in return. And I don’t even know you.” Caden said sitting up a little straighter in his seat, wincing from the pain he had all but forgotten about.

“You can and you will, besides, does it really matter if you know me, all I’m doing is offering you money, no hidden agendas or secret plans.” he said shoving the notes towards him. “as I said before, I don’t know what it is that you do, and I don’t want too, I want you to take this money and say thank you. Then I want you to go home and sleep for the next year.” Harry said smiling.

after a moment of contemplation Caden did as he was told. He stood grabbing the glass that the boy has so kindly bought for him, and downed it in one go, slamming it back on the bar next to the money that was now his. He placed his hand on it, but before taking it, he looked over at the curly haired boy. “Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me. I owe you more than just two hundred ponds.” Caden said placing his had on the young mans shoulder. “Truly, thank you.”

“Your welcome.” Harry said. Watching as Caden walked towards the door.

After that he slept. He slept for what felt like a year.

He knew that he would probably never see Harry again, but he would always owe him, and if he ever had the chance to see him agian, he would make sure to make it up to him. But for now there was nothing to do but sleep, and so he did.

 

*****

 

After that night at the bar, it had taken Caden awhile to get his feet back on the ground. He realized that working here, in this part of London wasn’t going to get him the money he needed. But moving to the city meant competition. Competition with more experience and contacts. They already had their clients, clients who weren’t looking to gamble on the new kid in town. But he also knew that if he was going to make it, he was going to have to try.

Two weeks later Caden packed his bags and moved into the only flat he could afford right in the middle of London. It consisted of a kitchen, a bathroom and a living room that also doubled as a bedroom. And it was old. But it was what he could afford, and he was determined to make it work.

And so he did. After just a few short weeks, one client led to another, and he had racked up a pretty large clientele. A well paying clientele at that. As it turns out, the city offered him exactly what he had needed. He was making as much in one night as he had ever made in a week back on the bad side.

He was happier then he had been in awhile and for once had some extra cash laying around. He could afford to go get dinner or buy a new shirt, which he hadn’t been able to do since the accident. But the best part was that he was able to take a night off here and there to go do things he actually liked to do, like going to a bar.

The last time he had been at a bar was before he had moved to the city, but he had been dragged out by some people he had met earlier that day. And this was not the same rundown bar that he had grown accustomed to. There was music and actual people, which there had never really seemed to be a lot of in the past.

Once they entered they went straight to the bar. Caden was the last to order, and once he did, he took a seat at one of the few open bar stools. But the moment he sat down, he was being pushed by someone who had just ran into him. “Hey mate, watch it will ya?” He said in response.

Once the man caught his balance, he looked up to meet his stare, and all that was there was a smile. “I would say sorry, but you still owe me, so I figure one little push won’t hurt ya!”

He would know those curls anywhere. “Harry? Oh my god, hi!” Caden exclaimed over the roar of the music, standing to pull him into an embrace.

Letting go, Harry took a step back, then began to look Caden up and down. “Looks like you finally got that sleep, didn’t ya?” he laughed. “I can tell that two hundred pounds did its job then. What brings you to big city?” he said, spreading his arms in the air.

At that Caden couldn’t help but laugh. “Work wasn’t going so great, so I decided to move on to bigger and better things.” he laughed, leaning closer to Harry so he could hear him.

“Oh, so your done with- ugh, whatever it is you were doing?”

“Unfortunately no. Well maybe not unfortunately, I do actually enjoy what I do most of the time.” He chuckled. “I get to be my own boss, and make my own hours, its pretty great. Maybe you should try it out sometime.”

“Sorry mate, I’m not sure if it’s really my style.” He said nodding towards the bartender's outstretched hand outstretched hand. “Whisky?”

“As always.” Caden nodded. “Well you should probably get back to your friend, he is giving me a death stare and I’m pretty sure he could kill me.” Over Harry’s shoulder he could see his friend, the one that had been with him that night in the bar all those weeks ago. But this time he didn’t look quite so happy to see Harry talking to him.

“Who? Sam? No way.” Harry said then immediately letting out a loud laugh. “Sam is just a big teddy bear. He wouldn’t even hurt a fly. Wanna meet him?”

“Ugh, maybe next ti-,“ He was cut off by Harry grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the bar.

“There is no time like the present, wait, ugh, I don’t actually even know your name.” Harry said stopping in the middle of the crowd that had formed around the DJ.

“Call me Caden.” He said with a little frown forming on his lips.

Noticing the frown, Harry raised an eyebrow at the boy in front of him, but all he did was shake his head, and Harry left it at that. “Alright, Caden it is.”

Meeting Sam went much smoother than he had thought it would. As Harry had said, he was just a big teddy bear that wouldn’t hurt a fly. They were actually the coolest people he had met since he got here.

And by the end of the night, he was wasted. He had started off with whisky, but once he had gotten up and started dancing on the bar, he was drinking whatever was being handed to him. And after the first few drinks, he didn’t even know what they were anymore. But along with Caden, Harry and Sam were also trashed, with no idea where they were supposed to be staying for the night. They hadn’t actually planned on getting drunk, or staying the night in London. But now it didn’t look like they had much of a choice.

“Caden, I think we gotta go. We gotta find a hotel and we don’t even know where we are.” Harry barked, not being able to hold back a laugh.

“Nonsense!” Caden exclaimed, raising one hand into the air. “You shall stay with me, in my very very tiny little flat, and you shall enjoy it.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, not wanting to intrude.

“I have never been more sure. You helped me when I needed it, and now I shall help you. To the exit.” Caden slurred, now pointing at the exit, and attempting to make a move towards it, but instead made a move at the floor, but was caught by Harry just in time, and with Sam’s help, they all went for the exit, and poured out onto the crowded London street. The walk went fast, but that could have been due to the fact that Caden had been singing the entire way. He had Harry laughing so hard he could barley even catch his breath.

When they got to his flat, he wasn’t lying, it was in fact very tiny. They walked into the kitchen, that to be fair was as clean as you could expect. Then just beyond that was his living room/bedroom.

“You two can have the bed. I can lie on the sofa.” Caden said, retreating back to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. “I know there’s not much space but it works for me.”

“It’s perfect, thanks.” Harry had sat down on the edge of the bed, next to where Sam had already passed out. “It looks like you have finally made it up to me.” He said looking around, trying to take in his surroundings. There were no pictures or anything hanging on the walls. The flat was a blank canvas. 

“Nah, letting you sleep here for a night doesn’t exactly make up for what you did for me.” He said sitting down across from him on the sofa, playing with the frayed edge, that he had ripped attempting to get it through the tiny door of the flat.

“Fine, how about you give me your number, and the next time were in town, we’ll stop by and you can take me out for coffee or something. That will surly make up for what I did for you. Which by the way, I did say I was doing because I wanted to, and that I didn’t want anything in return.”

“I don’t just take handout’s Harry, I can’t.” he said reaching over for the small pad of paper and pen that were sitting on the side table. He scribbled down his name and number and handed it to him. “That’s my number. If you call and I don’t answer leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I am free. Because you know I am a very busy man.” He said in the proudest tone he could muster at this late hour of the night, and the state he was in.

“You are? I had no idea, you haven’t told me that t least a hundred times already!” Harry exclaimed a little to loud, and immediately tried to shush a laughing Caden, but failed and joined him instead.

“You know, I’m happy you walked in to that bar. Without you, I most likely wouldn’t be here right now. Sitting in this flat, with you of all people. In a way you saved me. You showed me that it is ok to accept help from others even when you don’t want to. So for the last time thank you, from the bottom of my heart.” Caden said in a way that could only show how uncomfortable it was for him to show his gratitude to someone else.

“Like I said, everyone needs a little help sometimes, and I’m just glad I was there to give it to you.”

With that they talked for a few more minutes, but eventually, their eyes grew to heavy to keep open any longer, and just like Sam had already done, passed out from the liquor that was still in coursing through there blood streams.

 

*****

 

Every time after that, when Harry and Sam had made it to London, Harry had made sure to pull out that number and call Caden. Spending a night out with him, and crashing at his flat. It had almost become a tradition. One that they had planned to continue, even when they went away to university.

That was just another plan that went out the window the night Sam was killed.

 

*****

 

Harry hadn’t realized he had been standing there, staring at the boy for who knows how long. But once he did, he took a step back, closing the door. Letting Caden sleep for as long as he could, because it had been his fault that the had stayed up until seven a.m.

He retreated back to the couch that he had slept on, this time sitting instead of laying.

This wasn’t the same flat that Niall had lived in the first time he had visited. It had only taken him a few months to gather enough money move out of the tiny flat, and into one that had an actual bedroom. He and Sam had been here to help him move in, and many times after that, continuing a tradition that had held strong up until a few months ago.

This was a place Harry had never expected to find himself again, but just like so much of his life, as it turns out, he was wrong.


End file.
